Surviving the Holidays with Kids from Trauma
It's the most wonderful time of the year With the kids jingle belling And everyone telling you be of good cheer It's the most wonderful time of the year
It's the hap-happiest season of all With those holiday greetings and gay happy meetings When friends come to call It's the hap-happiest season of all
There'll be parties for hosting Marshmallows for toasting And caroling out in the snow There'll be scary ghost stories And tales of the glories of the Christmases long, long ago
It's the most wonderful time of the year
There'll be much mistltoeing And hearts will be glowing When love ones are near It's the most wonderful time of the year
-Andy Williams, It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year
If you're laughing, crying, or tempted to throw something at the screen then it's likely you're parenting a child (or many!) from trauma. What should be a wonderful time of the year is often the worst time of the year for foster and adoptive families. "...tales of the glories of the Christmases long, long ago.." just don't exist when your years have been filled with fear, unpredictability, insecurity, abuse, and neglect. Many of our kids haven't experienced caroling, holiday parties, family gatherings, decorating, or putting out cookies for Santa.
Then there's that line about "When love ones are near..." Not for our kiddos. Sure, they might be surrounded by people that love them and they love in return but it's not the family that should be near. For some children they may not have seen their biological parents for years, for others it might be a 2-hour visit sometime during the week of Christmas, but it's not sitting around a pile of presents wearing matching pajamas and singing carols.
The holidays are a reminder of all they missed out on with their biological family and continue to miss out on. It's a reminder of what their family is still missing - or doing without them. Any fleeting thoughts of gratitude that they get to experience these wonderful moments are reminders that they didn't have them with their biological family, or worse, that they did but no longer are able to.
So what is a foster or adoptive parent to do? First, take a deep breath and be ready to re-think holiday celebrations. Second, remember that their reactions are not about you, or about entitlement. It's about grief and loss.
To make your holidays as meltdown resistant as possible, try these ideas:
1. Aim for small and quiet. Keep celebrations to just immediate family. Yes, Grandma Sally's feelings might be hurt but she'll be more upset if Little Joey goes into a rage and destroys her collectible winter village and ornaments collected since you were a wee tot.
2. Keep events brief. This includes opening gifts. If you have to attend a larger family gathering, plan to only be there for a brief time and have your exit plan prepared in case your child becomes overwhelmed sooner than you anticipated. When opening gifts, plan just a few gifts or build in breaks to give your child time to regulate and get away from all the stimulation.
3. Don't expect gratitude or excitement about gifts. Many of our kiddos have not received gifts, or had their belongings sold, stolen, broken, or left behind repeatedly in their short lives. They may not be able to be excited or appreciative of what you're giving them. (Or what Aunt Susie searched high and low and spent good money to buy them.) Reassure them that their gifts are theirs and theirs alone. Offer to help them find somewhere to set up their new toys or store them. But please don't have hurt feelings because they didn't jump up and down and scream thank you at the top of their lungs.
4. Reconsider Santa, the Elf on the Shelf, or anything like it. When your life has been unpredictable, insecure, or you've experienced strangers coming in and out of your home or violating your body, the idea that some strange old man will enter your home while you sleep, or that some weird little doll is watching you and causing mischief at night is downright terrifying. Keep your traditions basic and watch for signs that your child is frightened by the stories.
5. Create new traditions by blending their ideas with your favorites. Don't be afraid to ask your child what memories they have that they'd like you to add to your celebrations. If they have ideas about what to do (from their past or just new ideas), do whatever is necessary to incorporate them. Decide what traditions are most important to you that you can keep while avoiding overwhelming your child.
"The hap-happiest season of all" will be one that leaves your entire family regulated and feeling connected, even if it means letting go of many of the parties, activities, and hustle and bustle of your past holiday seasons.
Enjoy your celebrations my friends!